Good News

Guess who got engaged....


(Click here to find out.)

excuse me, that's my red swingline stapler.

I'm not in love with my job. I treat it as a paycheck and it makes me miserable for all the right reasons:

I feel I'm trapped due to a bad economy. management laid off 99% of my favorite co-workers. I get paid less than the day I started (2 years ago), yet I have way way more responsibilities. It's a dead end job because I'm about to hit my glass-ceiling. I'm highly under appreciated and it shows when people are rude and aggressive towards me, yet management doesn't care to regulate said unprofessional behavior. So basically it stinks!

Moreover, there's this one person who is my office nemesis. She's a compulsive interrupter, talks non-stop about herself, doesn't listen to others, takes credit for my ideas, and makes several anti-Semitic remarks (management hasn't done anything about this either). I must be a saint for saving her life (I'm not even joking. i literally saved this girls life by rushing her to a Dr. all the while she was convulsing and had shallow, short, almost non-existent breathing patterns!! i find it hard to believe she'd return the favor.)

So I've hatched this evil plan for when I finally move on from this job.

This is not like setting the office building on fire, but when I leave I'll reset all her phone's auto-dial buttons to sexy 900 numbers, or the like. Since no one knows about this VOIP system that I control, I think they'll have a hard time figuring out how to reprogram.

I know, it's juvenile, but i gotta have a little fun when i leave, right?

this will make you pee your pants

If you like to read the twitter, "shit my dad says", then you'll like my friend's new blog, mama's mouth words.

Totally Awesome!

Bring on the Payne!

When i was in high school a bunch of my friends discovered this great new novel by Harvard grad, C.D. Payne called Youth in Revolt. it was a tome compared to what i was used to reading in school (about 900 pages from what i remember), but it was the fastest read of my life. None of us could put the book down! (plus it probably helped with our SAT vocabulary).

The protagonist, Nick Twisp, is a loquacious self-proclaimed genius 14-year old suburban boy trying desperately to lose his virginity to his unrequited love, Sheena, while rebelling against his jerk parents and any authority. Show me the teenager who wouldn't be consumed with this kind of story?

Now, about15 years later (am i that old?) and they finally made a movie and released this as a blockbuster to the world (yesss!!!).

Because this book played a part of my adolescent identity, i'm sensitive and proud of it... (but i have yet to see the movie.)
So, my friend casually brings up in conversation that she and her new quasi-boyfriend agreed that he's supposed to see a "chick flick" with her. This is our conversation on the subject:

Friend: oh! do you consider Youth in Revolt to be a chick flick? because (my guy) said it's a chick flick i'm like, um, no.
me: i consider youth in revolt to be AWESOME
Friend: YES ME TOO
me: i mean ok i loved that book and im a chick, but it's just transcendentally downright good. it's not anything like a chicky-romantic comedy
Friend: yeah, i didn't think so either
me: it's honing in on a young indie audience. (your guy) lost points.
Friend: i think he's just saying that so it can be used as his "chick flick" movie that he has to watch with me
me: yeah, no. it's about a kid trying to lose his virginity while revolting against asshole parents/authority; that is NOT a chick flick
Friend: yeah, i was trying to explain it to him. i think he just doesn't want to watch Leap Year haha
me: in the book there's this one part where he and his best friend want to see what it's like for a girl to give a BJ, and they test it on one another and his mom walks in....
Friend: hahaha i bet that's not in the movie
me: should be. would be awesome
Friend: (my guy) doesn't even know what the movie is about
me: then he's dumb

So i'm probably being way harsh Tai (may Brittany Murphy rest in peace), but you gotta admit he's gonna lose this one.

JOD

I'm just pumping these blogs out lately!

So my brother and i have this thing we call the JOD (Joke Of the Day) to help break up the drudgery of the workday.

His JOD to me 8jan10:

my law school friend and neighbor married a tall, tight-body blonde; kind of a butter face. she's sweet. i like her.

her facebook status: i told my coworker i love my new hdtv and he said it's good i didn't get an hd mirror.

REUHHHHHEUUUDDDD (sound it out).

One of my other favorites is a few years old, but it's also yet to be realized...:

A few years back my brother and i were hanging out and he said that he couldn't wait until his friend Mark Wang proposes to his girlfriend.

I'm like that's sweet, but why do you care?

He said that he has a killer engagement gift for them.

Me: oh yeah? what's that?

Him: Well, you should know that Mark's girlfriend's name is Mai (pronounced "My") and I'm gonna make them custom matching tee shirts with her full married name printed on it, "Mai Wang", except on hers will be an arrow pointing up at her face, and on his will be an arrow pointing down toward his belt.

and i thought my friend RdR had a good married name (which is totally a palindrome)!

Happy Birthdays!

i gotta give some shout outs to some of my peeps for turning another year older:

1. Nana - She's the freshest fly girl i know. (it's like 1992, right?) but really, if there's one person whom i admire or could call a role model, it's my nana. she's so worldly, regal, loving, and provides sage advice packaged in long-winded meandering stories, yet is so down to earth that she repeats chris rock's dirty jokes.

2. Cara - love this girl. She embodies the true meaning of a pillar of strength, trust and honesty. When she says something she means it and will always follows through- be that with work, her relationships, and her emotions. Plus, she's a freaking nutjob. i love goofing off with her (and her mom).

3. Earl - Nana's husband. the man who introduced me to the Manhattan (he always orders one with his dinner). he's a stoic and dry-witted talented artist. what a great man for nana because he's quite calm compared to her neurotically sensitive personality. (Similar to my relationship with my "beau").

So my love goes out to these wonderful people in my life. Happy birthday to you all. you make it really easy for me to remember your bdays by being born within 24 hours of one another (well plus or minus a few years too).

CreepSauce

When I hit puberty I started to struggle with my weight. I was never overweight, but I wasn't one of those enviable/confident/sexy teenagers that all boys wanted and girls wanted to be. At the time it created dissonance within me; while I wished I was sexier, I found security in not receiving unwanted attention. This way I could be flirty and fun but it wouldn't be misinterpreted and taken to a weird unmanageable level. I wasn't always happy that I couldn't just get any guy, but in retrospect I did date a few great boys and it worked out just fine.

Finally in my 20s I came into my own and decided to recreate myself. I lost 20 lbs. and managed to keep it off. I still struggle with my pear-shaped "problem areas", but I'm the only one who seems to be bothered by this. Ironically my least favorite body parts, my booty and hips, get all sorts of positive attention from men and women-- I'm like the Jewish Kim Kardashian. I've been holla'd at multiple times by some randoms on the street, including my favorite where I was told to "fish tail it gurrrl". Think about it.....

So all of this weight management comes with hard work. I eat what I want, but I usually count calories and work out on a regular. I keep a caloric-management profile on livestrong.com and today I received a total creepsauce note from what looks to be a born-again-ESL-troglodyte-spam-mailer who finds me "worthy of a friendship". the weird thing is that my one pic on that site is of my toilet. (eating disorders are not funny... so I'm told).

From: precious00
Date Sent: Dec 30, 2009
Subject: Hello Dear,
Hello Dear,I saw your nice profile,at [livestrong.com] and something motivated me to communicate with you'i found you worthy of acceptance and godly;My Dear in your usual time may it pleases you to write me back in email address[preciousweah@hotmail.fr]So that i can send you my pictures and also tell you more about myself.A friendship is the foundation build on other relative things to come.May God bless you as i wait impatiently to hear from you. Your lonely friend,precious.